If you are reading this, you already know something about the almost unbearable amount of stress placed on today's families, their relationships, and the demanding roles people take on in their families. You and the reseachers agree: the stress on famlies is at an all-time high, and people are suffering.

 

Stress leads family members to be distracted, to be poor listeners, and consequently, to fail in considering the needs of those around them.  In short, people default to a self-centered coping style.  Most people don't like to be this way, but too much stress is often the culprit.  Though many speculate the causes of stress, everyone agrees where there is a high degree of conflict, stress is a major contributor.  It is not an overstatement to say that not knowing how to reduce stress or communicate and connect with each other effectively increases the sense of isolation and conflict.  These two factors alone can not only tear a family apart but leave the members at risk of despression or anxiety.  The effects on children can be more serious and possibly effect the rest of their lives.

 

 

When is Family Therapy a better approach, and why?

 

     If you choose Family Therapy to address an issue, this approach uniquely and automatically affords you and your family an opportunity to reap two additional and important benefits: 1) better skills to improve communication; and 2) a greater capacity to understand each other.  Everyone needs to feel heard and through family therapy everyone gets that opportunity.

 

Family Therapy is uniquely structured to help resolve issues that disturb the family as a whole, or that primarily concerns one member but, in turn, affects other members.  It is a systemic "3D approach" that focuses on strengthening existing skills and learning new ones.

 

Read more about other kinds of issues or problems that respond well to Family Therapy in the sections ahead.

 

 

What is Family Therapy?

 

     Family Therapy identifies, uncovers, and develops the strengths inherent in each family in order to resolve their problems in the present, build family confidence and pride, and become a nurturing resource for furture problem solving and hope.

 

While the family is the focus of Family Therapy, most members who have participated have said it was therapeutic for each of them, individually, as well.

 

 

What goes on in Family Therapy?

 

     Upon establishing an emotionally safe and neutral environment, as the therapist, I encourage family members to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns.  I do this by offering guidance to members on how to express themselves to the listeners so they will be receptive and more likely to understand what the speaker is trying to say.  I also serve as a mediator and coach, helping members learn how to listen in an open and non-reactive way, offering suggestions that will help them in managing intense emotions that may come up (emotions that might ordinarily derail the communication or lead to conflict).  The skill of listening, which requires managing and setting aside one's own emotions, at least temporarily, opens the door to compassion and acceptance for both the speaker and the listener.

 

Then, while sitting with the family, I model both constructive and message-sending skills (appropriate expressions of feelings, thoughts and concerns) as well as receptive and active listening skills, all the while underscoring that these communication essentials are the foundation for both demonstrating respect and feeling respected.  Such skills are also the basis for problem solving and healing.  Equally important, I teach and demonstrate one of the primary relationship principles - that needing to be right is, of itself, not relational and that understanding trumps being right every time. 

 

The ultimate goal of Family Therapy is for members to use what they've learned in their sessions as well as their interactions with each other outside the office so that they may relate harmoniously, resolve problems, and serve as sources of strength, support and guidance for one another.

 

 

Issues for Family Therapy Include:

 

• One or more members not talking to each other (estrangement)

• Hurts, resentments, old wounds, and misunderstandings that maintain estrangement or that fuel continuous conflict

• High conflict or chronic tension resulting in depression, mood irregularities, anxiety, or behavioral problems in one or more members, or changes that interfere with the family's ability to function

• Changes in family structure or composition - i.e. disabled head of household, divorce/separation, recent death, addition to the family unit, step-family members, same-sex parent, other additions or reunifications, empty nest, boarding school placement or out-of-home placement

• Change in immediate environment or external supports - i.e. a recent move with adjustments, a new job away from home for extended periods of time, work overseas, military deployment, recent celebrity or media exposure for one member

• Stress related to social, cultural, religious, racial, LGBT differences, and others

• Crisis - i.e. serious medical or mental illness (recent or recurring), accidents, addiction, substance abuse (alcohol or drug), tragic loss/death, a member's institutionalization, child or adolescent behavior or mood problems at home or at school, disability, financial crisis, and others

• For families who have a member living with a serious medical or mental illness, Family Therapy provides multiple benefits including education about the illness, reducing any shame or feelings of over responsibility, support through the crisis, awareness of resources, and guidance in accessing them.  (*See the Resources page for further information.)

 

 

Who is considered "Family" for Family Therapy?

 

     Any group who considers themselves a family.  It can be a nuclear family, an extended family, close friends, significant others — any group, whether related by blood or not.  Merriam Webster gives as one definition: "A group of people united by or having a common affiliation; a fellowship."

 

 

The Family Everyone Wishes They Had:  Using a Wish to Make a Family Reality

 

    Many clients have told me over the years, in one way or another, that if things had been a little different at home they might not have needed therapy as an adult.  They have said they wish everyone in their family would have felt safe enough to communicate openly and directly; but at the same time, they would have felt it was okay to have personal space and privacy.

 

They would include in their wish list, that no matter how different a family member seemed to be, nobody would talk about anyone behind their back (nobody would be labeled) and everyone would feel included and respected.  They wish it were a given, that each person felt free to express his or her own viewpoint without fear of being judged.  This family would have been a source of strength for them and would welcome ideas and influences from outside the family.  Most importantly, this family would be committed to working out their differences without blaming, refusing to talk, and without some memeber ganging up against others.

 

In a crisis, this family would draw together to support and counsel the person having trouble but would not pressure, would not try to control or manipulate them to do what they thought was "right," "best," etc.  Family members might encourage the member having difficulty to seek outside help; and they themselves might seek outside guidance as well to find out how to best help the troubled family member.

 

One person in a family is usually the catalyst for change, whether the change is to recover and stabilize after a difficult event, or to improve the wellbeing of one member or the family as a whole.  The person who is the catalyst usually demonstrates courage; trying to open up family communication, encouraging members to include everyone, and reduce conflict.

 

Consider the possibility that you could be the catalyst in your family.  When you think about your own family and the "Ideal Family" described above, could you be the person who helps the family become a more supportive resource?  All members would draw strength from this family, each member would feel accepted, each member's contribution would be valued, and crises would bring out the best in each member.  Whatever came up, your family could handle it.

 

If you have any questions, or would like to make an appointment, I am easily reachable by telephone at (917) 648-1986.